Relearning How To Be Alone
Today was a really terrible mental health day.
In fact, the past two or three days have consisted of me having a shaky grip on reality. That's the strange thing about having anxiety: it feeds you a distorted form of reality that is based on all your worst fears and insecurities. And because for me, it's easiest to assume the worst to avoid further disappointment, I eat it all up.
Now that I think about it, it's weird that I force myself to live the bad thing before it happens. If it even happens at all. (Note to self: stop trying to predict the future)
Anxiety is like a personalized monster lurking in your closet, except that closet is a mental compartment that you seem to have lost control over opening and closing. Lately, it's been popping out multiple times a day when it only used to come out during moments of high pressure before a class presentation or a poetry reading. The difference now is that with all the free time I have in my day, my mind keeps wandering in that direction like it needs something to fuss over. Maybe after 17 years of schooling and work commitments, stressing about things is just what it's trained to do. It's the default state, so now that I am out of school and currently unemployed, it will find other areas of my life to analyze and stress about.
Like, for example, my relationship. Or my family. Or my friends. These are the things occupying my time and energy now, and sometimes it's easy to forget that it's not the same for them. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I expect those people to drop everything and be there for me when I'm feeling exceptionally sad or when I'm having an anxiety attack. It sounds unfair and selfish when it's voiced aloud, but I think at the heart of this expectation and desire for people to always make time for me is both a) insecurity and b) just a fear of being alone in my pain.
In any case, when that expectation fails to become reality (which it inevitably will) and I find myself alone with my thoughts, my anxiety takes the opportunity during which I'm emotionally vulnerable to say,
You are alone because you are not important enough to merit someone dropping everything for you. You are not anyone's priority because no one loves you enough. You are not good enough. You are not worth the time compared to your boyfriend's job or your best friend's adventures abroad. They don't treat you the way you deserve. If they did, they would be here for you now. They're not good for you. Get rid of them. GET RID OF THEM. No one will ever love you the way you need. You'll always be alone. It's easier to be alone than to always be disappointed by them, so GET RID OF THEM.
My anxiety repeats this ugly mantra in my head and the pathetic part is that I believe it. Today and other days before today were examples of this that I'm not proud of. I thought that during my years in university I had mastered the art of being alone, but that was before I found a significant other and a healthy family support system that I could depend on. It looks like being independent and alone amidst this support system is something I need to learn to navigate.
All of the people in my life have commitments and priorities other than me, and it's unfair to assume and expect that they will always have the time to be there for me during an emotional crisis. I have to remember that while living with mental illnesses can feel incredibly isolating, I am not alone. I just have to be my own hero sometimes. I have to be reminded once in a while that even with all the love of my family, friends, and boyfriend, I still have that strength. I am still responsible for myself.
In fact, the past two or three days have consisted of me having a shaky grip on reality. That's the strange thing about having anxiety: it feeds you a distorted form of reality that is based on all your worst fears and insecurities. And because for me, it's easiest to assume the worst to avoid further disappointment, I eat it all up.
Now that I think about it, it's weird that I force myself to live the bad thing before it happens. If it even happens at all. (Note to self: stop trying to predict the future)
Anxiety is like a personalized monster lurking in your closet, except that closet is a mental compartment that you seem to have lost control over opening and closing. Lately, it's been popping out multiple times a day when it only used to come out during moments of high pressure before a class presentation or a poetry reading. The difference now is that with all the free time I have in my day, my mind keeps wandering in that direction like it needs something to fuss over. Maybe after 17 years of schooling and work commitments, stressing about things is just what it's trained to do. It's the default state, so now that I am out of school and currently unemployed, it will find other areas of my life to analyze and stress about.
Like, for example, my relationship. Or my family. Or my friends. These are the things occupying my time and energy now, and sometimes it's easy to forget that it's not the same for them. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I expect those people to drop everything and be there for me when I'm feeling exceptionally sad or when I'm having an anxiety attack. It sounds unfair and selfish when it's voiced aloud, but I think at the heart of this expectation and desire for people to always make time for me is both a) insecurity and b) just a fear of being alone in my pain.
In any case, when that expectation fails to become reality (which it inevitably will) and I find myself alone with my thoughts, my anxiety takes the opportunity during which I'm emotionally vulnerable to say,
You are alone because you are not important enough to merit someone dropping everything for you. You are not anyone's priority because no one loves you enough. You are not good enough. You are not worth the time compared to your boyfriend's job or your best friend's adventures abroad. They don't treat you the way you deserve. If they did, they would be here for you now. They're not good for you. Get rid of them. GET RID OF THEM. No one will ever love you the way you need. You'll always be alone. It's easier to be alone than to always be disappointed by them, so GET RID OF THEM.
My anxiety repeats this ugly mantra in my head and the pathetic part is that I believe it. Today and other days before today were examples of this that I'm not proud of. I thought that during my years in university I had mastered the art of being alone, but that was before I found a significant other and a healthy family support system that I could depend on. It looks like being independent and alone amidst this support system is something I need to learn to navigate.
All of the people in my life have commitments and priorities other than me, and it's unfair to assume and expect that they will always have the time to be there for me during an emotional crisis. I have to remember that while living with mental illnesses can feel incredibly isolating, I am not alone. I just have to be my own hero sometimes. I have to be reminded once in a while that even with all the love of my family, friends, and boyfriend, I still have that strength. I am still responsible for myself.
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