Bitter

The Outline of You

I can feel the outline of your body

imprinted on the space you left behind

I'm alone in my bed again.

The weight of your absence makes the mattress dip

ever so slightly. It starts to hurt again

but I don't want to miss you

tonight. My fingers reach for my phone, because

I want you

to know that if you're ever in the mood

to feel in love again, I'll be here

with the phantom feeling you left behind

of your skin against mine

All Fours

The day you left was the day I started crawling my way out of love
I am desperate
for something to hold onto, so I seek out sweet beginnings
like the first sip of fresh coffee, but the taste falls flat
on my tongue. I drink more, but
the more I drink, the more I fell out of touch with reality

I am caffeine highs by day          and wine drunk at night

to wash away the aftertaste of heartache
clinging to the ceiling of my mouth. Because of you,
I'm crawling my way through broken boundaries
of everything I loved; soft mornings and
sweet-smelling coffee shops selling thick slices of
banana bread and pecan sticky buns

Passion Fruit

I'm crawling my way out of the broken mess
of love I had for you, but

you like it like that—
me on all fours, weak
for you and aching involuntarily,
laid bare, vulnerable
to your greedy touch

darling, it was your negligence
of the hurt I was feeling underneath
my writhing skin and the frisson of passion
that turned your every sweet touch bitter
This is what I force myself to remember

when I'm on all fours, left in the ashes
of the way I burned up for you, unable to move
for crying, trying to crawl away
from the broken love that won't let me
let you go

Pillow Thoughts

your hair
running like soft grass 
through my winter fingers,
wisps of summer
I want to keep
like the daffodils you picked for me
I miss
your impatient grip on my hips like
you believed they hid the answers
to silent questions 
asked by your hands
and your lips 
kissing along my hairline, searching
for my temple before you drift asleep
our breaths mingling
in the tiny universe we created








just
the two of us

Deep End

Letting you go is an ongoing battle
trying to crawl out of the deep end
of my passion, slipping and falling
again and again over the tear trails I left on my private space
like the pillow case you slept on and the t-shirt I slept in

I keep slipping back into the deep end
because you left agony all over my private space
So I tossed out the pillow case that you slept on
and the t-shirt that I slept in and pretend
they meant nothing to me,

because you threw me away
left me in the end
alone,
with no intention of looking back
to see if I made it out

Wrong Pieces

Our souls are incompatible puzzle pieces

we were a glass picture meant to be broken
from the beginning; you were stronger than I was

because in the end,

                                          you broke us

I know we didn't fit

I gave up some of my self-respect to touch you

anyway. Sometimes when I don’t feel guilty,

I wonder what kind of strength you had

if you only saw what was wrong

while I saw that it was love

nonetheless

 

Black and White (healing)

White

-

I am strong
enough to let you go. I plant rose bulbs in my skin
and hope they'll help me feel beautiful again

I close the borders on my body because
I fucking deserve better
than a man who only fell in love with my tits

I will no longer wait for you
to say something that will touch me deeper
than your probing fingertip inside me

I fall asleep to my own heartbeat
and encourage it to grow even again.
Now, all I want is for you to break

like the way I broke myself in half for you,
so you could know how it feels
to be too "black and white"

Vindictive

I hope one day you hurt
as much as I do, I hope you lose
all of your carefully assembled control
when you remember the way I tried to love you
Because for me, the story didn't end when your hands
on my skin became a question to fuck, it didn't end
when your curiosity for the inside of my head
became desire to have it between your legs
I couldn't stop
placing myself in your path because I saw you
as a salve for my aching thoughts, but
you saw me only as another pretty
body for a pretty good time
I hope one day you
fucking hurt

when you remember
me to realize how selfish
you were in not drawing lines
and the chance at freedom you lost
when you chose control over my chaos

Predetermined

The way others didn't love me back
gave me the predisposition to fall for you
and the way you nearly fell
over endearingly, drunkenly
trying to pick daffodils for me
I saw the laughter flitting perpetually about your lips
not as your predisposition to laugh love
out of your body like
a bad head cold,

but then it got in the way of
the rosy words that bloomed
out of my rose-coloured insides
I meant to plant and nurture them
for you: all that useless love
I didn't think I could give anyone
but you laughed
your way out of love
before I could





Banana Bread Epiphany



Thick slices of banana bread,
nutty and sweet like the smell of coffee
in the morning
rain tempting me to fall
back asleep to avoid remembering

you

Playfully grimacing
because banana bread is “too bloody sweet”;
Sweetly dismissing the coffee I made for you
because you prefer watery Breakfast tea;
Tossing and turning
through consequent sweaty mornings,
because the pitter patter-ing of rain
is “so fucking annoying”











I realized too late
I was your banana bread to morning rain:
an ill-fitting
piece of happiness

Last Load of Laundry

I washed the memories of you out of my bedsheets
only to feel the full weight of the outline
of your body lying next to me
making the bed dip
abruptly. I hurt again
because I think about you so much
that my thoughts solidify, but
I really don't want to miss you tonight
even though your absence is pain
I can live through

I'm alone in my bed
with the phantom feeling of your skin against mine
even though I know touching is not love
and we were the wrong pieces,
my curves fitting against your edges like
circles falling in love with triangles
We were just two different
shapes bent too out of shape
to fit together

So I took the clothespin out of the useless feelings
you didn't want and forced myself to walk past
that sweet-smelling coffee shop
where I began as your pecan sticky bun
but I wish my hands were no longer sticky
with feelings for your smile
You acted the way you should:
a hit and run
despite coaxing out softness I didn't think I could give

In the end,
I trailed behind my heart as it fell
all the way to hell for you

you're gone

and I tiredly think
I finally give up
trying to catch up

So I hope you fucking hurt
when you remember me:
the honest girl with rose-coloured hair
to match her rose-coloured insides
who gave you bread crumbs in these flowery words
to find your way back, if you want to
go back to the beginning
when you met her in a sweet-smelling coffee shop



~~~

Epilogue: Day Dreamer

I am a day dreamer, and there is no ceiling to my hell
I believe romance novels have more love in them than boys do
at twenty-two and wishes count
more than minutes 
so I wish really hard 
for another who will choose the wallflower
the one that dreams
of better places and things to come

I can’t find a ceiling to my hell because I love
before I choose, and love is a choice,
so, dammit, I should have chosen carefully
but I can’t help falling in love too quickly 
with people who don’t fall at all
a consequence of believing
in romance novels and wishing on stars
who don't seem to listen at all