Character Development
The first time someone broke my heart completely through, the slow and arduous healing process resulted in the development of a new person. The breaking process itself is never clean and quick, of course, but at some point, you know, viscerally, when the last fracture happens. You can tell by the numbness of all sensation, physical and metaphysical, like some inherently vital cog in your internal machinery has stopped functioning. You can tell you are broken.
I learned from this painful experience that it's not possible to ask for the person who did the breaking to take part in the fixing process. It's not conducive to a genuine, healthy healing. It's also not logically possible. Would a broken tree ask the lightening that struck it to mend it back together? The lightening cannot do it. It's not in its nature. No matter how much that tree loved the beautiful, bright lightening in the sky, no matter how much it wanted to reach high enough to touch it, it must be something different that heals it. It must not be the lightening, but the rain.
Who am I going to be this time? I thought, that after months and months of confusion and self-discovery, I must be at the end. I can't possibly hurt anymore. Again, I am astounded and humbled by my heart's capacity to feel, because I was proven wrong.
Perhaps this is necessary. Perhaps I need to be a different person to face this new chapter of my life with its new obstacles. Perhaps I need to be tougher, to lose some of that softness and romantic idealism, if I want to succeed in this new chapter. Perhaps this is simply the ever-changing aspect of life: it will demand that you change if you want to survive and thrive, because it will. That's the one true thing we can trust to happen. Thankfully, this time around, I know the things that will slowly fill up the yawning crevices in my heart. I know the places, foods, and activities that will fill it up with joy and love. All the right things, but never people. It must belong to me. The healing must belong to me, because I want the new version of myself to belong to me.
I learned from this painful experience that it's not possible to ask for the person who did the breaking to take part in the fixing process. It's not conducive to a genuine, healthy healing. It's also not logically possible. Would a broken tree ask the lightening that struck it to mend it back together? The lightening cannot do it. It's not in its nature. No matter how much that tree loved the beautiful, bright lightening in the sky, no matter how much it wanted to reach high enough to touch it, it must be something different that heals it. It must not be the lightening, but the rain.
Who am I going to be this time? I thought, that after months and months of confusion and self-discovery, I must be at the end. I can't possibly hurt anymore. Again, I am astounded and humbled by my heart's capacity to feel, because I was proven wrong.
Perhaps this is necessary. Perhaps I need to be a different person to face this new chapter of my life with its new obstacles. Perhaps I need to be tougher, to lose some of that softness and romantic idealism, if I want to succeed in this new chapter. Perhaps this is simply the ever-changing aspect of life: it will demand that you change if you want to survive and thrive, because it will. That's the one true thing we can trust to happen. Thankfully, this time around, I know the things that will slowly fill up the yawning crevices in my heart. I know the places, foods, and activities that will fill it up with joy and love. All the right things, but never people. It must belong to me. The healing must belong to me, because I want the new version of myself to belong to me.
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