Drunk Thoughts in My Living Room
Someone asked me, "What do you live for?" a couple days ago. This question was posed at quite the appropriate time: a period of intensive self-reflection due to a spiritual, mental, emotional, and financial crossroads. I suppose upon deeper contemplation, "What do you live for" really translates to, "Who are you?"
In all honesty, I thought I knew myself. The past five or so years have been a process of self-discovery and emotional growth, and before this summer, I thought I knew what I lived for and who I was. Clearly, the room for improvement begins now. But after repeatedly turning over this question in my head in multiple different emotional states, I believe I have come to an answer.
I thought I am the person who wants to live as fully and colourfully as possible. It is still a goal I wish to fulfill, but I realized I never probed deeper than that. How does one live that kind of life? What is required for that life to be sustainable? It took a long while to know, but for me, a colourful life has no meaning if there is no purpose and no love.
The most honest fact about myself is that I have always, always valued love as the number one priority. From as early as I can remember, I was always guided by my feelings: did I love this particular food? Could I love this person enough to be their friend? Did I love something enough to commit hard work to it? If you believe in the astrological charts and zodiac signs and all that glittery star-wrangled fluff, this is is because I was born in the month under the patronage of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty. Certainly, love and beauty play a dominating role in my life as an artist; I just never truly realized how much they influence how I live my life as well.
Don't get me wrong-- "love" is not synonymous with "like" in my books. For me, to love something is not simply to enjoy its presence or reap its benefits. It is to believe in it, to understand and know on a fundamental level that it is meant for me. For me, to love something is to be willing to give a part of myself back to it because I know we are the same.
Anyway, returning back to the question I was asked. "What do you live for?" I realized this was the moment in which I had to be truly 100% honest with myself, because answering this question involved a genuine bones-deep examination of the person I am. And here it is, the answer in all its imperfect, flawed, yet earnest glory: I live for love. That is the bare bones of it. Fuck all the cliches and judgements and ideals about romance. I live for the moments when I can savor my favourite breakfast in the quiet of the early morning. When I can wander aimlessly through busy, colourful markets and explore their glittering wares. When the words in a book come alive through a symphony of voices in my head. When the paint on my brush glides smoothly onto canvas and I am peacefully lost in textures and lines and colours. When I listen to the lyrical, rolling crash of ocean waves with my eyes closed and the world is dark. When I can stare at my boyfriend's sleeping face, and know there is love in all those moments. I want to live to love, wherever and whenever there is love to be had. This is what I will work towards keeping; this is what I will always search for.
In all honesty, I thought I knew myself. The past five or so years have been a process of self-discovery and emotional growth, and before this summer, I thought I knew what I lived for and who I was. Clearly, the room for improvement begins now. But after repeatedly turning over this question in my head in multiple different emotional states, I believe I have come to an answer.
I thought I am the person who wants to live as fully and colourfully as possible. It is still a goal I wish to fulfill, but I realized I never probed deeper than that. How does one live that kind of life? What is required for that life to be sustainable? It took a long while to know, but for me, a colourful life has no meaning if there is no purpose and no love.
The most honest fact about myself is that I have always, always valued love as the number one priority. From as early as I can remember, I was always guided by my feelings: did I love this particular food? Could I love this person enough to be their friend? Did I love something enough to commit hard work to it? If you believe in the astrological charts and zodiac signs and all that glittery star-wrangled fluff, this is is because I was born in the month under the patronage of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty. Certainly, love and beauty play a dominating role in my life as an artist; I just never truly realized how much they influence how I live my life as well.
Don't get me wrong-- "love" is not synonymous with "like" in my books. For me, to love something is not simply to enjoy its presence or reap its benefits. It is to believe in it, to understand and know on a fundamental level that it is meant for me. For me, to love something is to be willing to give a part of myself back to it because I know we are the same.
Anyway, returning back to the question I was asked. "What do you live for?" I realized this was the moment in which I had to be truly 100% honest with myself, because answering this question involved a genuine bones-deep examination of the person I am. And here it is, the answer in all its imperfect, flawed, yet earnest glory: I live for love. That is the bare bones of it. Fuck all the cliches and judgements and ideals about romance. I live for the moments when I can savor my favourite breakfast in the quiet of the early morning. When I can wander aimlessly through busy, colourful markets and explore their glittering wares. When the words in a book come alive through a symphony of voices in my head. When the paint on my brush glides smoothly onto canvas and I am peacefully lost in textures and lines and colours. When I listen to the lyrical, rolling crash of ocean waves with my eyes closed and the world is dark. When I can stare at my boyfriend's sleeping face, and know there is love in all those moments. I want to live to love, wherever and whenever there is love to be had. This is what I will work towards keeping; this is what I will always search for.
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